ETERNAL SUBSCRIPTION

ONE OF THE MOST IRONIC ASPECTS OF THIS ENTIRE PROCESS IS THAT I CAN CONFIDENTLY SAY IT HAS NOT BEEN FUN—NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST. AND YET, EVERY DAY, I FIND MYSELF WILLINGLY WRESTLING WITH THE PROBLEM. THERE IS NO EXTERNAL INCENTIVE COMPELLING ME TO DO SO, NO GUARANTEE OF SUCCESS OR RECOGNITION, YET I CONTINUE.

THERE IS MEANING IN IT, EVEN IF IT ISN’T IMMEDIATELY APPARENT. PROGRESS ISN’T ALWAYS OBVIOUS, NOR IS IT LINEAR, BUT I KNOW IT EXISTS. I CAN FEEL THE SHAPE OF SOMETHING FORMING, EVEN IF I CAN’T FULLY SEE IT YET.

THIS REMINDS ME OF NIETZSCHE’S WORDS: “HE WHO HAS A WHY TO LIVE CAN BEAR ALMOST ANY HOW.” IT SEEMS THAT THE STRUGGLE ITSELF BECOMES BEARABLE WHEN IT IS ORIENTED TOWARD SOMETHING GREATER—WHEN THE PURPOSE JUSTIFIES THE DISCOMFORT. PERHAPS THAT IS WHY I CONTINUE, DESPITE THE UNCERTAINTY, DESPITE THE LACK OF EVIDENT REWARD.